Even if it Kills Me
by Kus Kus
Summary: [Post-OVA II, Episode 4] Tasuki looks back at what he's done...


_Author's note: So this is my attempt at a character introspective on Tasuki. After gulping down all 52 episodes and 9 OVAs in less than two weeks I think I'm overflowing with fascination on Fushigi Yuugi. Damnit. Never cried so much watching something in my entire life ;_;___

_So anyways! Beware of **spoilers** and **mature themes and language**.___

_- Kus Kus_   
__   


So. Guess what I did yesterday. 

No, no. Lemme give you a hint. It has to do with trying to fuck the only girl you've ever loved and then trying to kill your best friend. 

Damn. I told you. 

Well, shit. I mean, I could tell myself it really wasn't my fault. It _was_ that fucking Hikou's water magic that made me do those things. I mean, who in their right mind would try and rape the Priestess of Suzaku when she has seven stupendous protectors like the Seven Seishi of Suzaku. Six, if you include that one of them currently only has half a brain and none of his former powers. Five, if you remember that one of them was the rapist. 

It really wasn't... all just Hikou. What was it they said, that his power drew out what was in the deepest, darkest recesses of your heart? Gods, I knew I loved her, I never thought myself capable of doing such a thing. Yes, I talked enough shit about Tama (or Taka?) that Miaka threw herself off a horse. Yes, I wanted her so bad it hurt. Yes, I enjoyed her flesh under my hands, the mold of her breast, the soft, warm feel of her lips... 

Why oh why didn't you just stick to hating women, Tasuki. 

Here I am, back against this goddamn tree, sun coming down like we didn't just see all hell trying to break lose in the form of a crapload of rain, trying to avoid either of them. Sure I told them: Tasuki's here for you! For both of you! For the love of you he'll protect you! He'll protect you as if it didn't stab him right here in the chest everytime you two hold each other! Because that's what a Seishi of Suzaku does! Puts everything he feels right _here_ where he can ignore it and fight the good fight! 

Good fight, my ass. What I really wanna do is char Tama (Taka!) into a big, flaming, crispy critter and then step all over him. Then I can make her forget about him. Shit, anyone can make Miaka happier than that weakened jerk. 

What the hell am I saying? 

If I really love her I'll do what I said. Because that's what good people do - make their loved ones happy. Not do stupid-ass things like get jealous and possessive and try and kill _their_ loved ones. I mean, what kinda jackass tries to do something like that. Takes a real big one. Maybe one with red hair and a tessen that throws some really cool flames. 

They love each other. They really do. Well, fuck me. 

"Tasuki?" 

Aw, crap. She's here. Time to pretend cheerfulness. "Miaka! Good to see ya! What're you doing out here? Well, gotta go! Things to do, people to fry!" 

That smile of hers! It's so... full of fucking pity. "Tasuki. What happened before..." 

"That shit? That was nothing. Just the damn spell. You heard what I said - I'm gonna protect the two of you with my life. It's the least I can do." I can really shovel it out, can't I? Too bad she sees right through me. 

"I know it wasn't. But, Tasuki, you know -- " 

"Don't!" No! I can't hear this. "Don't say it." 

I walk over to her and clasp her face tenderly between my hands. I know what I have to say. "Miaka." 'Course, then I stutter. "I - y-you know - I really do - more than anyone I've ever known - What I did I did only because... because I love you too." 

She already knew that, goddamnit! "Oh, Tasuki, but -- " 

"Don't 'but' me! Shit! I already know what you're going to say!" I don't mean to, but it comes out as a yell anyways. Quickly I quell my voice. Won't do to have her screaming again. And besides, there's only one thing I want from her before I can be satisfied with what I have to do. 

"Miaka... just let me kiss you one more time." 

And she does. It's tender, loving, sweet and wonderful. This could last absolutely forever, Tenkou be damned. 

...But her heart is with Taka. 

So I let her go. She smiles beautifully at me before walking off to be with him. 

And you know what? I think I can do it now. 

Me, Tasuki, a Seishi of Suzaku. 

I'm going to protect those two. Even if it fucking kills me. 


End file.
